Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Go the Fxxk To Sleep

We all know that parenting changes us. Forever.

There is that wonderful mishmash of sleepless nights, mess, bills, unconditional love, bodily fluids, squishy hugs, sticky fingers, and the joys of raising small humans.

But for me, the realisation that I'm a parent always smacks me in the face whenever I hear myself sprouting off sentences that I never thought would leave my mouth.

None of mine are anywhere near as clever as Text Publishing's latest genius creation, Go The Fuck The Sleep, narrated here by the wonderful Noni Hazlehurst:

Best. Storytelling. Ever.

I have my own stock-standard phrases, that always surprise me when they spill out of my mouth.

Here are just a few:

Sentence: 'No more penis carrots'.
Timing: Whilst shopping, while the kids gleefully pick out the rudest shaped vegetables they can find.

Sentence: 'No, I don't want to know what colour/shape/size your poo is'.
Timing: Usually when small human has helpfully propped him/herself on my ensuite loo, just as I step under the shower.

Sentence: 'Please don't pee off the balcony. The guinea pigs don't like it.'
Timing: Do I really have to explain that one?

Sentence: 'Take your hands out of your pants.'
Timing: Actually I may have said that one, BK (Before Kids). After all, I have had relationships with adult males.

Sentence: 'Tables are not for dancing on, they are for sitting at.'
Timing: Shhh! Don't tell them about Mumma's wild younger days.

Sentence: 'Please stop killing your sister/brother. It's really not very nice.'
Timing: Whenever one child is screaming my name, whilst the other sits on/kicks/hits/scratches the crap out of her/him

Sentence: 'Yes I would love to stay up until the early hours baking muffins for your fundraising stall.'
Timing: After small child has suddenly remembered at bedtime, that two dozen home-baked muffins/cakes/biscuits are required for school tomorrow.

Sentence: 'Are you absolutely sure you have to wee right now?'
Timing: After marathon grocery shopping expedition and queueing session, just as we're about to hit the checkout.

Sentence: 'Who farted?'
Timing: With resignation. Again.

Sentence: 'God give me strength'.
Timing: A lot.

Does every parent say stuff like this, or is it just me?

For what it's worth, my own version of that book would be: 'Flush The FxxKing Toilet!'

We seriously need one of these signs on our front door.
Image borrowed from Queensland Girl, who writes about parenting, pets, and poo...


Ms_MotorbikeNut said...

Never had to say any of them things but have said heaps of others that are what I call well known parent sayings.

Thanks for the giggle today I needed it.

(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha Love this post xx

Toni said...

I'm sure I've said a variation on every one of those!!

Queensland Girl said...

Yes, we have all said those things. I spent my early life sure I would never sound like my parents and yet regularly hear myself sounding exactly like them!

Thanks for the mention... xxx Jo

Mum on the Run said...

Pretty sure I wrote the next chapter in that book last night!

Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella said...

LOL best title for a kid's book! I can understand why it was an instant hit based on the title alone let alone having Noni Hazelhurst narrate it!

Fox in the City said...

Tee hee, love this post and love that book, although I am not even certain that is has been published yet.

At our house the phrase "Remove your hands from your brother's neck" is used more that I ever thought it would be. Also, "We wear underwear at the dinner table" is also said.

Donna Moritz said...

Hilarious and so true...I am so bummed that Noni's video got pulled...that's just not Australian! ha ha. Great blog!