Friday, October 7, 2011

Does Mumma need a boyfriend?

So the kids have decided I should have a boyfriend.

I discovered this fact, as I discover many of their thoughts and opinions, during a car journey recently.

In the car, I'm a trapped audience, and therefore a vessel for a barrage of questions, facts, and fountains of knowledge.

Somehow, in amongst chats about not wanting to move home (again), how they long to live on a farm (I do too), how much they miss our old home in Brisbane (agreed) and unfair stuff that happens in life (ain't that the truth?), they said the best thing about my split with their Dad was that they get to spend so much of their time with me. Their only gripe was that they didn't get to spend more time, just the three of us.

And, erm, one more thing.

"So when do you think you'll get a boyfriend, Mum?" asked Chase, just a little too casually.

"Yeah, Mum," said Harmonie. "That would be awesome!"

Really? I thought most kids were a bit reluctant to see their parents partner-up post divorce. Certainly, that was the impression my two had given me so far.

I reacted the way most mothers react when confronted with awkward discussions. I panicked!

And then I answered as honestly as I could for their age.

"I don't think I actually want a boyfriend," I said. "I'm quite happy just hanging out with you two, getting back to work, spending time with my friends, and the pets.

"Anyway,we're going to be moving soon. I don't think I even have time for a boyfriend!"

"But I think you'd like one Mum," insisted Chase. "You seem kind of lonely."

Do I?

I wondered.

I don't feel lonely.

I don't miss their Dad.

I don't want him back.

I don't want a relationship with him at all, although I accept that I will always have the connection which is to do with parenting our kids. That's it.

And I don't need a relationship with anyone else.

There have been offers - a single woman is never short of offers of company, is she? But so far, I'm not interested.

I have barely enough time to keep up with my kids and my own stuff, let alone someone else's.

Whether it's maturity or the fact that I have kids and therefore a body clock that's already gone past the snooze alarm, I do not know, but I have never felt that I need someone else to complete me.

I feel whole and fulfilled on my own.

But it bothers me that the kids think I am lonely.

And then I started wondering: Is it wrong that I'm not lonely? Am I too happy in my own company?

I asked my shrink the other day, and his reply was: "Does it bother you that you don't feel lonely?"


Sometimes I think I think too much!

Readers, what do you think?


Veggie Mama said...

They just love ya. That's all xo

Jay said...

Awww, my kids were like this with their dad for a long time. They want to see you happy, but don't realise it's possible to be happy alone, in the same way that being quiet often equals sadness to a child.

Anonymous said...

Maybe their dad wouldn't want you back, did you ever think about that?

Fox in the City said...

First off anonymous, that was hardly called for. She was not insulting their dad, she was just simply stating where her head was at.

Secondly, it is perfectly fine to not be lonely . . . isn't that what so many people are trying to achieve. Perhaps you will one day be ready for another relationship but that time is not now and that is just fine.

Thirdly, ask your kids why they think you are lonely. Their answers may surprise you!

Ms_MotorbikeNut said...

First let me say Anon if you knew the full story you wouldn't have asked that question, plus that is a very rude for and uncalled for question.

Now let me ask you one why hide behind the mask of Anon why not let people know who you are? At least Maidinaustralia has the guts to put things out there so other people in the same boat as her can share.

I find when kids start asking about why their mum/dad hasn't got another partner it's cause the kids themselves are missing doing things as a family but cover it up by saying oh but mum/dad you look so unhappy

Maybe next time invite your brother or a good male friend along on one of the outings.

That's what I did with a friends child (when I baby sat her kids for 4 months when she was in hopital) and he loved it being able to have another male to bounce off.

(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX

Unknown said...

Nobody NEEDS a boyfriend/girlfriend. I'd like to think that each of us can learn to be happy with ourselves first, before embarking on any relationship.

My kids occasionally make remarks about a "new Daddy", but I respond fairly much as you did.

While I do get lonely and very sad, I don't think that another relationship is the answer for ME.

Kids! They make you think, don't they?

Queensland Girl said...

It takes a really big person to hide their identity and take must have struck a nerve with this post!

If you are not ready for a relationship then good on you for being strong enough to say so. After what you have been through I am not surprised. You deserve nothing but the best, and until that comes along carry on doing the best you can for yourself and the kids.

Jo xxx

Natalie said...

Maybe this is your kids way of showing you their heads are in the right place to accept a new way of life? Whatever the feelings it must be wonderful to know that they love you dearly and want to see you happy xx

Oh hi Anon... I couldn't hear you properly with your head stuck up your arse and all...

Ms MW said...

Great Post B!
Miss5 does a similar thing 'when is my kind daddy going to come mummy?' I don't know darling when I've fixed myself & my heart is my answer.

As of Anon's post in no way was maidinaustralia putting anyone down, Unlike the cowardly Abuse u published whilst 2 scared to put a name 2 your abuse.
Shows lack of empathy & compassion & understanding.

MaidinAustralia keep up the lovely posts. Kids know deep down the difference between love & abuse from early on & who is safe & not safe. The time will come that their little voices will be Finally Heard & Acknowleged.
For now enjoy getting to know your own depth of Self Love from there everything falls into place.

Mumma C said...

Well it's nice to know that this generation has moved on, when my parents split up in the 60s there was no child parent conversation, allowed minor opinion, even sought, let alone listened too. I was quite simply in the way, and a source of compulsory maintenance. The result has been that i am a fiercely independent rottwieler Mother who goes into 'bat' for my girls, luckily I am also happily married, and pleased to report that they are all grown up now, and successful adults in their own right. My mantra was always. "don't be like your own parents" 'cos they failed. Now I have a role reversal, my mother has Alzheimer's and I have to be her parent, do I carry out this role without malice? Not always, "my" family comes first, absolutely no question. Can she generate guilt about it? Absolutely .... Unfortunately......

Scuzzi said...

I think that needing a relationship is the worst possible reason to have one.
I think its best to reach a stage where you are comfortable with yourself and what you have learned from the last relationship before embarking on another.
I feel that only when you don't need a partner are you ready to have one, because only then you have something to bring into the relationship - you.

Alice Shaw said...

You get plenty of offers? Wow, I think I might move to Queensland! I've found that dating as a single parent in Sydney is quite the nightmare - I have a whole blog about it! I think that kids just want their mum to be happy. My kids' father has had several "serious" relationships since the divorce and I think my kids would like to see me with someone.. they don't want me to get married again though!!

If you want to be scared off dating, please feel free to drop by

Alice Shaw said...

Oh and PS to Anonymous.. if you are too spineless to even put your name then perhaps you should crawl back under your rock. Nothing MIA said was offensive, she was merely stating how she feels. Begone little troll.

redhighheels88 said...

I get where your kids are coming from. I'm 23 now & my mum has been on her own since I was 7. For the last few years I have said to her occasionally that I wish she would find someone. She seems happy enough on her own but sometimes I just wish that she could be loved by someone other than my grandparents, my brother and I etc. Until I was 18 I had only worried about my Dad and the woman he had been in and out of relationships and ENGAGEMENTS with but now I think it's Mums turn to find someone!!!

Mum on the Run said...

Your relationship with your kids sounds just gorgeous.
They obviously adore you and just want you to be happy.
You certainly don't 'need' a relationship when you have all that you want at the moment.:-)

- Where does anonymous/rude coward get off??

One of my Hobby Blogs said...

yeah I think you'd know if you were lonely, surely its normal to question it tho! Perhaps your DD was just guessing her way thru a topic she didn't really understand. I doubt she has picked up on something you haven't. If it were me, I'd let it go. But then again, maybe you should try some online dating see where that gets ya - you could blog about it!! LOL

Kellie said...

How precious that they're looking out for you. You will know when you're ready. xx

Unknown said...

you know, I do find that often the people who are happy in themselves and don't feel like they need a man (or woman!) to make their life complete – are the ones who end up finding love and happiness more easily. Whereas the ones who desperately think they need someone all the time, find that even when they have someone, it doesn't fulfil them.

So I think it's a great achievement to feel like you don't actually need anybody and are happy with your own company. I don't think that is something to be worried about at all! I think that's a great skill that a lot of people lack – to feel happy with your own company and to feel confident and satisfied with yourself, in yourself.

I also think it can be an irony sometimes – for example, I was never the kind of girl who was interested in getting a man – I always vowed that I would not get married until my 30s or something (maybe not all!) and I had all these plans for my own life that didn't involve a man at all (although it definitely involved dogs ha ha) – and then I ended up getting married at 23! :-) Whereas I have friends who have always been desperate and all they ever wanted was to find a man – and they have really struggled to find someone and be happy. I think when the focus is on yourself, you actually exude a more attractive, confident air which then makes you have more opportunities.

Anyway, I think it's sweet that your children are thinking of your emotional needs. At least it's better than them thinking you would betray them if you ever took up with another man! :-)

And isn't it some famous saying that when you are least looking for it, that's when the best things happen?


Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella said...

LOL Bronnie I think you're perfectly perfect and fine the way you are! And I had to chuckle at your shrink's response-so typical!

Hotly Spiced said...

I think you sound perfectly fine and isn't it usually the case that Mr Right pops up when you're least expecting it. Until then, why rock the status quo?

Maxabella said...

They're gorgeous!

The kids just assume because society often comes in twos. They will know that you're not lonely at all - you have them! x

As long as you have offers, what do you need the boyfriend bit for? LOL.

Marg said...

I might have to move to Queensland too! I have been single for over 9 years and for a lot of that time I was fine without being in a relationship. Now I am beginning to realise that the fact that there have been no offers in all that time just reiterates the fact that there is something wrong with me. I wouldn't want to go back and change it though.

Luda said...

I like Scuzzi's answer. A lot.

Danny said...

Your kids are the cutest! I guess they just worry about you, that's all. If you don't feel the need to share your life with a man, then don't. Although, there are many thinks to enjoy in a relationship, that nothing else can give you!

Thea said...

"A body clock that's already gone past its snooze alarm".....LOVE THAT!

Thinking too do you turn that off? I don't think you can.

If you're happy, that is fabulous, that is all.
Your gorgeous kids just want what's best for you, kids see things differently, doesn't mean they're right or wrong...just different. x