Wednesday, March 13, 2013

What if you're not?

"I am happy and I feel loved".
So read my affirmation for today from Bringing Spirit Into The Everyday, who rarely fails to inspire me with her inspirational wisdom.
But lately my depression has left me so empty of verve and energy that despite all my usual cures, I feel bereft of happiness and I feel decidely unloved.
Saying the affirmation in spite of myself, there is a hollow ring to it. My mouth is dry and tears spring to my eyes.
I know it is a lie.
Depression robs me of my self-confidence and self-worth. It takes away the sense of feeling joy from anything that would normally make me smile.
It lies to me and tells me I am nothing. That I am unloved and useless.
I know in my head this is untrue. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister and friend, and people do love me. They tell me so.
But today I don't feel it.
I feel I fail at everything I do. My achievements in life have melted away to be replaced by all the things I haven't done right - and there's been a lot of that.
I'm not where I wanted to be. Will I ever be? Isn't there meant to be more to life than this constant struggle for survival?
On days like today, an affirmation like "I am happy and I feel loved' is more important than ever. I will say it and repeat it and hope that a shift occurs.
I will take stock of the good things in my life - for there are good things in my life, despite the monsters in my mind that keep on telling me that isn't so.
I will focus on my kids, and our love for each other, and my desire to be the best Mum I can be for them. A healthy Mum. A happy one.
I will hug our pets.
I will take my pills and do everything I have to do to stay well.
Because as famous depressive, the late Winston Churchill said: "If you are going through hell, keep on going."
Happiness - I'm not close today, but I am trying.

Lifeline provides crisis support and chat 24 hours a day on 131114 or go to www.lifeline.org.au


10 comments:

vegemitevix said...

Oh sweetie that was me yesterday. Spent most of the day in tears. I know completely what you mean and how you feel. But you're lying to yourself, you are loved by many, and you have achieved much. V

SarahMac said...

Oh I know this feeling all too well. Take care Bron.

macsnorky said...

You know that I know exactly what you're feeling at times. Today I'm right there with you, I can even see the incoming crash from where I am.

You ARE loved, you are a beautiful friend and a great mum. Tomorrow is another day xxx

macsnorky said...
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Ms_MotorbikeNut said...

Sweetie I know what you mean excatly what you mean.

Hang in there (easy said then done I know) It will get easy and you know you can phone me any time you need to.

(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX

Char said...

It's actually good to read your feelings. I have a husband and 24 year old son who both suffer from depression and they can't verbalise their feelings so I'm left in the dark, unable to understand.

Maybe, though, your self affirmation should be I am loved not I feel loved.

Bronnie Marquardt said...

Thank you for your kind words. It's good, when you're in the dark, to know that you're not alone. Or at least, that others get it and have been there too. And importantly, come back into the light. And Char, I like that amendment to the affirmation: I am loved. Today is a better day.

Not Quite Nigella said...

OH Bronnie, I don't know what to say but I do want to give you a bug hug. I hope your day gets better and I'm thinking about you xxx

Bill Harper said...

Unfortunately even though we take the medication like we're supposed to we still have our good days and our bad days.

We just hope the bad ones aren't quite as bad as they used to be.

Hang in there, and let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Bronnie Marquardt said...

Thanks Bill and NQN x