Friday, November 14, 2014

Putin In Paradise

Russian war ships defiantly cruising towards Australian seas.
The misspelling of Prime Minister Tony Abbott's name by Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin.
Threats of shirtfronting, and claims that no one in Russia knows who Tony Abbott is anyway.
It's all heating up as G20 hype meets fears about growing strains between Russia and Australia.
But, as with all issues, there is a silver lining in every climate-changing cloud, and if South Burnett officials are smart, they will reach for it.
You see, while local officials have been courting Turkish dignitaries, they've been fishing in the wrong pool. They should have been Shooting for Putin.
Forget the garbage-bin-free version of a newly-clean Brisbane, with its tree-lined riverbanks, and eerily uncrowded streets. And who needs to experience the glittery delights of the Treasury Casino, when one can try their hand at the pokies or have a go at winning the meat tray raffle at the Kingaroy RSL?
With claims that the G20 will bring upwards of $100 million in holidays to Queensland, I'm thinking not much of that will make it to the South Burnett unless some of these costly visitors get their VIP butts to the region, and check out what the country has to offer.
In fact, our own South Burnett and our neighbours could actually play a part in mending frosty relations between Australian and Russia.
For starters, we know that Russians have a spirit for socialising over drinks.
Perhaps Mr Abbott could invite Vlad to our comrade, the North Burnett? First up, a tour of the Bundaberg Distillery.
Instead of toasting a truce over vodka, the Kremlin's leader could talk tactics with his Aussie rival over tipples of one of our country's finest exports, Bundy Rum.
Imagine how a photo of Vlad and Tony shaking hands in front of the giant Bundaberg Beer bottle would go down in terms of warming relations - if not hearts - around the world?

Forget koalas. Why not do the Burnett thing, and cuddle a giant bottle of Bundy?

And in the spirit of growing mateship, the pair could return to their G20 business discussions via the South Burnett, where they could chat over cheese, argue over olives, or wrangle over wurst whilst sampling a few glasses of our region's finest wines.
They could sweeten foreign affairs by sharing a gluten-free, paleo-friendly snickers bar in the garden at The Giving Tree, or diving into an organic, Barkers Creek Pork and Apple Sauce Pie at Magpies (as long as a stinky pig or cattle truck hasn't just sped by.)
A visit wouldn't be complete without a trek at the Bunya Mountains, for another photo opportunity in front of a waterfall. This time Tony could even get out the red speedos and show Vlad how Aussies cool off when the climate debate gets steamy, while Putin can flex his muscle by removing his shirt.
Instead of a kick in the nuts, Tony could give his new-found Russki mate a slab of Taste South Burnett fudge, the afore-mentioned Bundaberg Rum, and a bag or two of peanuts - sugar-coated preferably, to make any political ill-feeling a little easier to swallow.
As for the infamous shirtfronting? Perhaps all thoughts of such manly nonsense could be put to one side, and Vlad could be handed a souvenir to take home instead - one of our own VLAD T-Shirts. Okay, it stands for Vicious Lawlessness Association Disestablishment rather than Vladimir, but we're sure, like Tony Abbott, not many people in Russia will know that either.
Na zdorovie! *

Tony Abbott could literally take Vladimir To Paradise at the Bunya Mountains

Where would you take Vladimir Putin on a tour Down Under? And what souvenir would you swap a bottle of Russian vodka for? 

*(Cheers in Russian)

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